


Like Damned Guilty Deeds

by EmilyScarlett



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Anxiety, Graphic description of torture, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 10:17:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10591962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyScarlett/pseuds/EmilyScarlett
Summary: The first time Jean and Kevin train together again after the events of the books.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know very little about sports and this is my first work in this fandom so please forgive anything that doesn't seem right...

Jean was on edge, and for once he felt like his tension was understandable. He was back in Evermore, a place he hadn’t been in since he’d been carried out- half unconscious- by Renee Walker all those years ago. He felt Jeremy’s presence at his side as he changed out in the locker room. Solid, reassuring, and very much  _ there _ , reminding Jean that he was here in the present, not lost in the horror of the past. Jeremy had been more present than usual today. He knew how hard this would be for Jean and he’d done everything he could to help him.

 

Jean finished changing out and steadfastly ignored the presence across the locker room. Kevin Day had already been playing for the national team for a year, like Jeremy. Today was Jean’s first day. He wondered whether the locker room would ever feel less oppressive. It wasn’t like he was going to ask Kevin to find out.

 

It wasn’t the same locker room that the Ravens used, but it was similar enough that it set Jean on edge, ready to attempt to protect himself should he need it. It was ridiculous. He knew logically that he was safe, no one here was going to hurt him, but with memories of his time with the Ravens at the forefront of his mind, and the surroundings so similar, it didn’t  _ feel  _ safe, no matter how much he told himself it was. He thought about walking onto that court again and he felt nauseous. His mind was running through scenario after scenario for what could happen when he was actually out there and the court doors were locked and he was trapped out there just like before and- 

 

_ Bang! _

 

The sound of Minyard slamming his locker door shut brought him out of his head and he realised that he’d been standing staring at his locker without moving for far two long. Jeremy was looking at him worriedly, but no one else seemed to have noticed. Though Minyard might have been not looking at him a little  _ too _ focusedly for it to be entirely natural.

He quickly finished changing out and left for the court. As he turned around he just caught the edge of Kevin looking away from him.

 

He got as far as the inner court before he was pulled up by a profound sense of what was at once familiarity and dread. Everything looked exactly the same as it had his whole life, apart from the last few years. This court was home, but it was also his prison. One that he had visited in his nightmares many times since leaving it. Now he was back and he was going to play on it again. Even worse, he was going to train on it again. Because playing had never been bad, even here. When they were playing the Ravens had to behave and put up a front of decency for the other team and the spectators. There could be no punishments on the court. Of course, punishments for inadequate performance were handed out afterwards because such a thing couldn’t be allowed to go unchecked, but while he was playing he’d had nothing to fear. Training, however, was a different matter.

 

“Hey,” Jeremy said, coming up next to Jean where he had frozen. “You okay?”

“Fine.”

“Right. But you know, if you decide that’s not true, we can go. Take a day, try again tomorrow.”

“No,” Jean spat, vicious in a way that he knew Jeremy didn’t deserve, but this was Court, this was what he’d worked his whole life for, and he wouldn’t let the Ravens, or Kevin, or the memory of Riko take this from him.

“Then you’ve got about a minute before the rest of the team gets out here.”

“Fine. I’m ready.”

 

And he was, in a way. He was well-versed in ignoring his anxiety and carrying on regardless. So that’s exactly what he did.

 

Practise went well at first. Running laps was fine, not that he’d expected anything to go wrong there. The drills were fine too. Jean thought they might be easier than Raven drills, but he wasn’t certain. They were certainly much harder than the drills he did with the Trojans and his professional team. Still, they were uneventful. The trouble came when they were scrimmaging.

 

The national team was big enough that they could play with full teams in scrimmages. And naturally, because of fucking course that was his luck, he was marking Kevin. This, at least, they were used to. Jean had usually marked Kevin in the nest. This was comfortable ground between them; they were both used to putting Exy before anything else. They wouldn’t allow their personal grievances with each other to come before their game.

 

Jean still felt the fizzy bubbling of anxiety in his chest, simply from being back in this court. He ignored it. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was playing. It worked. It worked until he saw a flash of black hair from the corner of his eye and for a fleeting moment he saw Riko. He realised it was Kevin almost immediately but it was enough to startle him and he tripped, sprawling across the floor, his racquet skidding away from him. Kevin headed towards him and he flinched away instinctively because he’d fucked up and now he had to be punished.

 

But after a few seconds of no pain coming he realised that that wasn’t true anymore, despite his location and present company. He looked up to see that Kevin had backed away, his hands held up in clear view, looking at him with a horrified expression.

“I wouldn’t,” he said in a choked voice. “I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“You did,” Jean hissed, and he knew it wasn’t fair; he’d hurt Kevin as well. But he was angry and humiliated and hurt and he wanted Kevin _away_ from him. Kevin recoiled just as Jean had known he would. In fact, he turned and hurriedly left the court. Then Jean didn’t care anymore because Jeremy was suddenly at his side, close but not touching, (and fuck, fuck Jeremy hadn't done that in a while, not since his first year with the Trojans, he must be really worried about him) and giving the coaches a look that said in no uncertain terms that practise was done for the day, for them at least.

 

Jean saw the nod the head coach gave and immediately made his way off of the court, Jeremy following quickly behind him. He reached the locker room too soon and found Kevin there with his head in his hands. He looked up as they entered.

“Jean,” he said, almost desperately. “I- I’m sorry. I know-”

“Stop,” Jean cut him off flatly. He turned to Jeremy. “Can you give us a minute?” He didn’t want Jeremy to hear, which was ridiculous because Jeremy already knew everything.

“Yeah,” Jeremy answered immediately. “Yeah, of course. I’m gonna go shower. Shout if you need me.”

Jean nodded and Jeremy left.

 

He took a seat next to Kevin.

“I know you wouldn’t hurt me,” he said, needing to break the silence. “I just- being back here- I forgot.”

“Because I hurt you in the past.”

“You had to. And I hurt you too.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No. I had at least some protection. He never hurt me as badly as you. He never made you hurt me as badly as I hurt you.”

Jean was silent for a moment. He thought it over.

“Seems like that’s his fault. Not yours,” Jean answered, finally.

“I could have said no.”

“So could I. I didn’t, neither did you. We did what we had to to survive. Now we have to live with it.”

 

They sat in silence for a while, listening to the running water from Jeremy’s shower.

“You left me,” Jean accused suddenly. He’d barely been aware he’d been thinking it before it tore its way out of his mouth. Kevin gasped harshly.

“I’m sorry,” he rasped.

“You’re  _ sorry _ ? You’re fucking sorry? You left me! You left me to deal with Riko alone! You fucking ran away to the Foxes knowing it would make him furious and knowing that he’d take it out on me! Do you want to know what he did to me when he found out you were gone? How he made me cut into  _ myself _ ? Because he knew I was more afraid of what he would do if I disobeyed than the pain of obeying. Or would you like to hear about what he did when he found out that you were playing again? Because I remember every excruciating second of it. Except for when I blacked out from the pain, of course. But you expect it to be okay, because you’re  _ sorry _ !” He was screaming by the end, and he knew Jeremy could hear but he was too angry to care. He stood up and began to pace.

“I don’t expect it to be okay,” Kevin murmured with his head bowed, not looking at him. “I just need you to know that I’m sorry.”

 

Jean thought for a moment. The past was done and they needed to move on. He’d said it once: nothing was taking being Court from him. Not Riko, not the Ravens, and not Kevin fucking Day. He wasn’t going to let himself ruin it either, by holding on to this grudge.

“Would you do it again?” he asked.

“Yes,” Kevin said firmly. “I’m sorry for what it cost you, but I would. Exy is everything to me, I wasn’t going to let him take it away.”

“Good,” Jean stated firmly. Kevin looked at him, startled. “We’re not letting him take this away either. He’s  _ dead _ and the past is the past. Let’s forget it and make new memories on this court. Let’s do what we were meant to do, but do it for us now, not for him.”

Kevin nodded resolutely.

“Are we.. okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“No. But we will be. One day.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it wasn't awful?


End file.
